Learning

Christmas has come and gone, but not completely for us. My husband and I had our own first Christmas here at home, and it was perfect. Now we begin the journey to visit my family and his over the next two weeks. In ways, I'm thrilled, and in ways, I'm not. 

I love my family, but things are always changing. I have to meet my mother's new husband for the first time as well as my dad's new girlfriend. No consistency even since the last time I was home six months ago. I've realized that I have been stripped of childhood identity and an association of home and am learning to deal. It's not too pleasant. 

I have also realized that I have tried to use my husband's family to make up for the insufficiencies of my own. However, lately that has brought a lot of frustration and anger as I realize that they are not perfect either. My ideal of a perfect family may never exist, or it may be my own immediate family, but I will never be able to include myself in my own idea of a perfect family.  It's frustrating to feel so lacking in many areas, but all of them combined make up a decent  family I suppose. 

My husband kept saying that our immediate families are now becoming our extended families and that we are the immediate family now. It's' weird to think about and hard to let go, but I see his point. It's us now and soon we will have children. We don't have brothers and sisters anymore. We have aunts and uncles. Everyone is beginning to go their own separate way. Because of my family having done this prior to now, I feel myself stretching to hold everyone together, to make us all one big immediate family, but that's not how it is nor how it is supposed to be. 

I'm working on my senior project now. I had wanted to do a variety of short stories about daily struggles of teen girls. I have now found myself writing a memoir about my parents' divorce and my way through it. So, needless to say, I'm learning a lot now, feeling a lot of emotions, and having a few breakdowns here and there, but I'm growing. That's the point I suppose. I'm becoming the person I'm supposed to be despite the past. 

Well, off on my two-week journey now. We'll see how this goes. I'm excited, but not. 50 degree weather sure does sound amazing. Happy New Years to you all!